Valentine’s Reflection for Men: Wives Need Romance
Valentine’s has just passed and I wanted to share some thoughts as a pastor who is often surrounded by conversations about relationships. There is a common refrain I have heard so many times from women of all types/ages/backgrounds and it’s this…
Wives need romance.
Disclaimer: I want to be careful here because when I say wives “need” romance I’m not saying it is an ultimate need but a felt need. What’s the difference? An ultimate need means that you cannot be happy/satisfied/complete unless that need is met. As Christians, our only ultimate need is Christ. Ladies, for you this means that though it is painful, to live with a husband who does not give you romance. The answer is not “get a new husband.” The answer is more Jesus who’s love is more satisfying and healing than the comfort of any man.
Romance is not an ultimate need but I do believe it is a felt need for women, in a different way than it is for a man. Rarely do I hear a man say, I need more romance in our life. More sex yes, but more romance? Pass… This has to do with the way men and women have been wired differently by our creator. An example of this can be seen in differences between men and women when it comes to sex. For men, sex is primarily physical. We men are much simpler creatures! But for women, sex is primarily emotional. Sex is desirable because they feel loved, they feel beautiful, they feel secure, they feel intimate. This is why when romance is lacking, the woman is frequently “not in the mood.” They are wired in a way that sex is an expression of love, not just a physical act.
As a sidenote: this is also one of the biggest problems with porn. Pornography caters to a man’s view of sex which is mainly about physical satisfaction. Over time the man becomes conditioned into this warped view of sex. They come to think that the kind of sex they seen in porn is real and right. But when they come to their wife, who is not scripted and not edited, reality sets in. Her natural desire for sex is integrated with emotional desires (ie: romance). The way sex is produced in porn is deeply unsatisfying for many women. They feel used, they feel like an object, they don’t feel loved and treasured. Men, until you get this you will have a truly unsatisfying sex life as well.
Do you want a better sex-life? Then give her a better ROMANCE-life.
So, what if you’re not the romantic type? How do you do this? I don’t consider myself a Romeo by any means but here are a couple practical thoughts.
Romance means…
Time is important. We are all need to make time for our wives on an on-going basis. One of the best ways to do this is a regular date night. Whether it’s a fancy restaurant or just taking a walk together. I’ve heard one marriage counselor define a date as “a pleasurable activity, without kids, for at least 2 hours.” If you are too busy for a weekly date then something else has to go. We are called to love our wives as Christ loved the Church, meaning we sacrifice for them. We may have to sacrifice some of our work schedule (work fewer hours, make less money!). Or we may have to sacrifice a ball-game or 2. In addition to regular dates we should see special occasions as opportunities to make memorable moments. Holidays, anniversaries and especially birthdays. We don’t have to go all out every time but there should be times where we go above and beyond for a special valentine’s or birthday. Again you may feel like you don’t have enough time for this, but you do if you start planning earlier. I started planning for this past vday (pictured above) in early January.
Thoughtfulness is important. Thoughtfulness is more important than expensiveness. Flowers and chocolates are nice. But what does she really like? Do you really know her? Do you know her stats better than your favorite sports teams stats? Do you even care to know what’s important to her? One resource I found very helpful is a favorite things questionaire (https://www.thedatingdivas.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/12/Favorite-Things-Questionnaire.pdf). Have her fill this out, keep it safe, and memorize it! Consider it the official “stat sheet” for your one and only. Use this as a guide when planning dates, Christmas gifts, or “just because I love you” occasions.
Treasure her. Treasures become more valuable over time. Christian men should make our wives feel this deeply. The relationship should become more intimate, more precious. This means that the best dates should come AFTER marriage not before. Our pursuit of our wives, the wooing, the romance, should get steadily sweeter over the years. This is hard for us men because romance is not our felt need. But we do it to honor God and to treasure our wives.
To my fellow Romeo’s-in-training, let’s love our wives as Christ loved the church. One way to do that is by giving her the romance that she longs for.